I asked myself today why I have been avoiding writing here or thinking about this blog, when normally it is so enjoyable for me. I realized that I have no idea what to write. I have no thoughts right now. It's as if my emotional brain had just shut down. And then, at that moment, it powered back on. And for the first time I can remember, I cried an onrush of tears that about the secret that I've held onto so tightly.
I thought that publishing the last post would be the hard part, but of course dealing with my emotional aftermath is. The truth is, the last post has forced me to face things that I haven't ever really faced and when I get upset, I shut down. I avoid dealing with things and retreat into myself, presumably because I have so often been scarred by showing vulnerability.
I've spent the last few days stressed out to the max with work and with people at work. I finally noticed today that something wasn't right, so I left work at 2:30. I came home, read, did yoga, caught up on a couple of television shows. And I was able to get centered enough to figure something monumental out. Really, the situations in the past few days haven't been any different than they usually are. Work has been pretty much the same. I have the same deadlines. I have the same coworkers, that annoy me in the same way. Hell, my boss is actually out of town! Only my reaction to the situations is different....this intense, dizzy-sick feeling of just absolute stress.
And then this image of a shivering, nipping chihuahua comes to mind: after baring my soul, I'm feeling small and anxious, and so am pushing everything away to feel safe and normal again. Particularly my own feelings.
I can't think of much more to say than that right now; my brain is an exhausted, sloppy mess right now. Today is the first day in probably about a month where I have thought, "I could really use a drink", even. Luckily, I have had a therapy appointment on the books for tomorrow evening. I think it will be a hefty one.
I will be back in a few days' time. Since I don't have many words for you, here's a sweetly tragic song by Lost in the Trees that emotes perfectly how I'm feeling.
Hey, that's okay - take time off. The internet will be here when you want it.
ReplyDeleteI shut down too. Take a break. Enjoy the rest. Hardest thing for me when I started facing my past is that my present got harder. Like trying to play catch up from a project that was supposed to be done last year. Hope the counselor session helps you feel better for the weekend.
ReplyDeleteMelissa,
ReplyDeleteI wish I could give you a big hug right now. I am sorry that you are feeling so low. Take comfort in knowing that this is a normal part of healing. You are on the right track.
I agree with the other posters - take some time away from everything to process what you are feeling about these difficult and confusing memories. Part of healing is allowing time for new discoveries and realizations to settle. It's good to be patient with yourself and give your needs extra attention during this time. Doing so will will help you to be better able to take it one day at a time. It's a process.
I wonder if drinking might have been keeping you from processing these feelings and now that you have stopped, you are finally able to address them. That's the thing about feelings - they need to be addressed at some point. The alcohol just gives us the illusion that the feelings are gone when they really are just waiting right there for us to notice them.
Hang in there and take care of yourself!
Hugs,
Raven