I started reading farther into Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers a few nights ago. The particular section I started at struck a chord so much that it brought up some unresolved anger about an incident with my NM. It was part of the book was about the envy of the NM towards her daughter.
I recall realizing at an early age that my mom seemed jealous of me. When I was growing up, she would always say that my father loved the kids better than her. Through college, she would get mad that I "got to do fun things" as they stayed at home and “toiled away” (I haven’t told you this yet, Reader, but I was in a major in college that demanded a particular sort of commitment to it; I started with 200 people in my major my freshman year, and graduated less than 30. I was doing fun things, sure, but I wasn’t being spared from toiling away by any means). Her lack of invitation to my bachelorette party made her fume. My mom will happily offer to babysit for my sister so she can go out with friends, and then attacks her for the next few days over everything, telling her that it's her own fault that she's tired because she went out too late and drank too much (even if she clearly isn’t tired from it and didn't drink a drop).
But this is all dwarfed by the biggest source of her envy: my other families. When I was little, it was my relationship to my friends and their families. Then it was my relationship with my boyfriends or their families. Now, its my relationship to my in-laws, particularly when it comes to holidays. My husband and I live an hour away from my family and 3.5 hours away from his family. Trying to make a Thanksgiving and Christmas at both families was difficult when we were both in college and on holiday breaks for them; now that I have a full-time job, it is ridiculous to think of trying to. When I called my mom in early October (1.5 months early!) to let her know that my husband and I have made a decision to spend Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas with my husband's family, my mom was out for a work meeting and my Dad answered. My mom has these meetings at some interval, but I don’t know when or how often, although when I call when she’s at them, she'll expect a nefarious reason. I told my dad what I was calling to tell my mom. He innocently told my mother, and the next morning, I received an email response from my mother at work. I always say that passive-agressive isn't my family's style. Agressive-agressive is our modus operandi. Case in point.
NM:
"I saw you called last night. I hope you were not trying to circumvent me while I was at a meeting to get the answer you want from Dad. Haven't we been there,done that?
I realize you guys have to travel on the holidays usually, but when do you propose to exchange gifts here? Many people do travel on the holidays to see their family. Christmas is on Saturday. Can't you come here Christmas Eve and leave for <Husband's hometown> on Christmas. Or have Christmas Eve in <my husband and my current city> and Christmas morning here. Usually <Sister> does not have to go anywhere until afternoon on Christmas. Don't you want to see <Niece> and <Nephew>, me, <Sister> and Dad on Christmas? As far as Thanksgiving, I need to call <Brother’s Daughter’s mom> to see what her plans are to come or not. Thanksgiving seems to work on Friday."
I have to say, reading this email still pisses me off. I could list off all the reasons why my husband and I chose to split the holidays this way, Reader, but I have a feeling that you might understand that our decision did not involve purposely causing offense to anybody.
I responded to her with a very long email outlining our thought process, to prove the underlying reasons. It was biting, but fair. It made me feel better to send it, even though I knew it would accomplish very little. I had outlined exactly what our reasons were, leaving her with no leg to stand on. Now I realize that it is typical of my communication with my mother...
1) Try to remain calm. Emphasis on "try". Usually fail. Bite back just enough to feel revenged, usually in response to a particular nasty comment from her.
2) Use logic -- logic is undeniable.
3) Use email/text and be as explicit as possible: then my words can't be twisted.
And I met my goal: she stopped arguing that we had to come to both Christmas and Thanksgiving. I left her with no legs to stand on!
But, of course, it didn’t matter in the end. She just changed how her anger came out. In the days up to Thanksgiving she stopped saying that we were favoring my husband's family, but instead, she would say in a nasty tone that my husband and I just dictated to her what we were going to do for the holiday (Of course we did! We are married, a family of our own, and can make our own damn decisions!) She constantly said that my nephew and niece weren't going to have their aunt and uncle there for Christmas. She used every tool at her disposal to show me her anger over the fact that we weren't planning on going to be in my hometown for both holidays.
My husband and I stuck to our guns. Thanksgiving in my hometown, Christmas in his. When Thanksgiving rolled around, though, my Mom attacked my sister verbally to the point that my sister left and said she wouldn't be back for dinner. Then my Mom came after me, saying things like, "Why don't you go and see the people you ACTUALLY want to be with?" to the point that we told her we were going home and left. And then we went to spend Thanksgiving with my husband's family -- because I'll be damned if her tantrum ruins our holiday. Later, when she asked me what we did for Thanksgiving, I told her that it was none of her business the second after she ran us out of her house.
Thanksgiving at his family would be considered a disaster in my mom’s eyes. We heated up store-bought entrees and sides. It was disgusting, and cold, and the one thing we did buy and bake ourself -- the turkey -- was undercooked. And it was the best Thanksgiving my husband and I have had together.
I’m trying to use this NM Parable to learn my lessons in communicating with my mother…
1. She’ll probably get to me, because, as my mother, she knows the buttons and can find them when looking. But, I don’t have to give her that pleasure. I can stick to my guns, make my own decisions, and she can make whatever noise she wants. I can try to find out why these sore spots she’s pressing on are sore at all, and fix them. I can draw firm boundaries and refuse to engage her. I can choose to keep my dignity. I can choose to block her out. I can choose to realize that this person, while she did give birth to me, is a far cry from a Mother.
2. I can use logic all I want, but will likely just force her into a corner with it where she’ll just scratch her way out. She hates losing control, regardless of reason.
3. Email/text helps in the immediate time frame, but will inevitably spill over into life. Really, the best bet is to avoid extraneous conversations altogether.
I’ve been working on this. I used to call my mom idly, because I was bored or wanted to see what they had for dinner. Considering about 50% of our phone conversations ends with me being degraded or bossed around in some way, I’ve been avoiding calling her unless necessary.
But I’m not doing so well at it. Just a few days ago, I let myself get baited, and my mom started yelling on the phone, and hung up when I tried to stop her. Then picked up and hung up when I called her back. And let it go to voicemail the next time.
I wish this blog post ended with resolution. But it won’t, because I haven't gotten there yet. I have listed out what I have to do, but I don't know how to actually implement it. I don’t know how to keep myself from being baited. I don’t know how to finally learn that yes, my mom gave birth to me, but I can’t expect her to be a Mother.
Oh man that email is pretty bad, I can see why it pisses you off. I feel for you. (I love how she starts off by assuming the worst about you.)
ReplyDeleteI was mentally countering every line in the email, especially:
"Many people do travel on the holidays to see their family."
Yeah - and many people do _not_ travel on the holidays to see their family. And their FOO (Family of Origin) do not hold it against them or take it personally.
Regarding baiting: You keep from being baited by doing exactly what you're doing - seeing the pattern, recognizing it, and learning how to respond differently. That's what you're doing - hooray! It takes time and practice. You're doing it though, that's great.
It's funny, as I was writing this post, I was thinking: maybe her email isn't so bad. Maybe I'm overreacting. So I'm glad to hear you say that! I guess that's the effect of being subjected to gaslighting by her my entire life.
ReplyDeleteAs a side note: the funniest part is, my parents have NEVER traveled over 1/2 hour on the holidays to see family! And I know that if they did, my mom would make it known how great it was of her to do it!
Thanks for words of encouragement!
I agree with PWC an email like this would make almost anyone angry. She didn't respect your decision. You are doing great at recognizing boundaries that were crossed. That is the first step. Good plan to go home when things became unpleasant at Thanksgiving. If your mother actually wants a solution, and not just manipulating you, our family celebrates Christmas the second weekend of December. The tradition is now several years old and works wonderfully. However, I suspect she isn't really looking for an answer, just a reason to complain.
ReplyDeleteWe've talked about solutions like that in the past, and in some cases, moved holidays a day or two to accommodate our school schedule or my brother's daughter's mom's schedule. When my mother would do such things, she makes it very well known how kind of her it is to do such a thing, and how unfair it is that nobody else will make such concessions, and it always spills into the next few years' "discussions" about holiday plans. Holidays have always been an issue to my mom for one reason or another, and she always threatens to cancel them, so I suspect it's just a reason to complain.
ReplyDeleteIs your mother, per chance, Catholic? I say this because she seems really intent on using guilt to get her way, even when she's being aggressive-aggressive. My mother is the same way - and she's Catholic. I was raised Catholic. We know guilt.
ReplyDeleteMy mom is also a raging alcoholic, so while most of the time her thoughts are kept to herself, she usually gets absolutely plastered and starts letting the truth fly from her lips. So I get the 2-for-1 of dealing with her vicious barbs (similar to what your mom says in the above post) with the plausible deniability factor due to her drunkeness. Awesome.
Shaun:
ReplyDeleteIt really seems like it, doesn't it? No, she's not. In fact, my Dad was raised Catholic, and my mom says that the reason she doesn't get along with my Dad's sisters is because they're high-and-mighty Catholic (forget the fact that it is impossible for my mother to keep ANY real relationships, particularly when people are willing to call her on her shit). I was raised somewhere between agnostic and atheist, but when I was in 7th grade, I started going to church on my own every Sunday. She would endlessly question me about it and use it against me ("Is that how they teach you to act in CHURCH?" I would literally get grounded from going to church and youth groups...).
About 6 years ago, she was writing a eulogy for her uncle, and she made this big show to me about visiting a minister to get verses from the Bible to use, at which point I reminded her how she treated me regarding religion starting when I was 12. Now, she always brings that up as proof that I do not support her in anything she does. The minds of narcissists, I tell you....how can they stand those Merry-Go-Rounds?
I totally digressed. Anyways, I would guess that my mom's guilt-tripping is a direct result of terrible learned-communication from her full-on Narcissistic Personality mother.
On the topic of your mom's raging alcoholism, I've found that one of the big things of alcoholism recovery is giving up the excuse of "I was drunk" so that one can fully take responsibility for one's actions. I'm convinced that that there are a few general catalysts to alcoholism: forgetting the past, and putting yourself into a state as to try to convince yourself and/or those around you that you aren't responsible for the present. Has your mom been an alcoholic all your life?
Oh ho ho you are not alone.
ReplyDeleteMine responded to our first-ever refusal to spend a Christmas with her by deciding that my husband and I had developed a weird anti-commercial attitude against the holiday itself. She said this in different ways but most bluntly in an email that started with a long description of a news program she had heard about midwinter celebration traditions. It ended with this:
"Thanks for doing whatever you've chosen to do to celebrate the solstice, however far away you are when you do it! However, please remember that being together with family and friends is a part of the ancient as well as modern traditions!"
Self-centered: Christmas can't possibly exist for us without her, so if we choose to be without her we must be against Christmas.
I had mail-ordered her about the usual number of gifts before this email, by the way, which is not a thing an anti-commercial anti-Christmas person would do. She did thank me perfectly nicely for them. It's like she functions on different channels at the same time.