As an engineer, it is quite literally my job to have a different point of view from those around me and to express it. At work, my colleagues and I can freely express disagreement, because it's not personal -- its for the common goal. Being a good engineer requires one to be aware that they do not know everything: because I have a background in X while my colleagues have a background in Y and Z, we all must point out issues and work off each others' strengths to find our best solution. I have to say, this is one of the aspects of my job I find most invigorating.
However, it does not translate to home for me. I had developed a habit of saying, “The problem with that is….” to my then-fiance (now husband) which I have come to understand sounds belittling outside the no-holds-barred engineering environment. At home, talking about where we might move to or wedding plans or any joint decision, I had to realize that we are coming at it from the same exact knowledge base. This tactic of disagreement works well professionally, but at home, it can come off as: “I know more than you and my feelings on the subject have more relevance.” Friends of mine that are also engineers report having similar issues with their disagreement tactics when applied to non-work situations.
The truth of the matter is this: I never learned how to fight fair with regard to personal matters. I’m known for retreating into myself when I get mad or stressed, often literally biting my tongue. I realize that if I don’t, I will say something nasty, completely unconstructive, hurt the other person, and wish I could take it back the second I say it. So, I try to wait until I cool down, to dig through the anger to get to the hurt, and that usually takes me a few days. After I cool down, I usually think I forgave and forgot, only to find out later that I haven't forgotten at all and that it has been simmering below the surface, causing me to have a disproportionate reaction about a later issue.
Another truth: my husband comes from a family of pacifists-to-a-fault. I love them to death, but they are full of passive-aggressive, enabling “peacemakers”, which is a stark contrast to my family's in-your-face disagreements. When my husband and I have an argument, even a calm and rational one, he gets sort of a post-fight hangover that takes the form of a dark cloud following him (eh em, us) around for a couple of days. He says it is because I always seem to have a problem with his behavior, he gets crapped on, and then he has to change his pattern and be mindful; but that I rarely have to do that for him. But, I notice that it is much more likely to happen if he’s already in sort of a funk, and perhaps he is unconsciously displacing his other anger on me because I just gave him a reason to.
I don't think I haven't ever been in a situation where I could learn to fight fairly. I certainty didn't learn it from my parents, I definitely didn't learn it from friends (Reader, I'm sure this is something we'll talk about down the road), and the way I have learned to disagree with people at work offers lessons that only apply to impersonal situations -- not everyday disagreements with my husband or other loved ones. Year One of marriage is certainly providing its classes in Loving Disagreements, and I'm learning along the way, but it makes me wonder.....is this an effect of having an unhealthy childhood? Is this something everybody learns as they enter adulthood and the long-haul relationships that come with it? Is it a product of being an engineer? Or is this just an idiosyncrasy of my personality?
PWC recommended your blog. I started with green-eyed momster and I think I have finished all your posts now. I was a computer tech for 15 years and studied to be a computer engineer. Your description of the freewheeling 'look at every possibility' seems to be unique with engineers and I agree doesn't translate to home. My counselor assures me that every couple goes through a process of learning how to disagree. In my opinion, your childhood effects you but since everyone goes through this it is not the cause. You sound like you are taking a healthy look at your choices. I will look forward to further post.
ReplyDeleteThanks -- that's good to hear! It is so difficult, now, to tease out what is genuine issues that come of being an adult, and what is due to the way I grew up. I always know that if it has to do with my childhood, it is going to take so much more work. Thanks for reading! I always like having the opinion of technically-minded people, because we speak each others' language.
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome.
ReplyDeleteHi Melissa! I found your blog through one of PWC's posts and I can really relate to your experience.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I have gone through a few stages throughout our marriage in which we've learned to communicate better with each other. I'm ashamed to admit that at the beginning of our marriage, I took on the role of my parents. I expected him to read my mind and act a certain way, and when he didn't I would let him know in passive-aggressive non-verbal ways. We were always arguing because the lessons I learned about how people should communicate were deficient and flawed. Instead of using words, I used the silent treatment which progressed to loud disagreements, mean words, and blaming. Now, instead of focusing on the problem, my husband and I focus on a solution. We talk about how the other person made us feel, and then we talk about ways we can do things better. Focusing on a solution gives us a common goal to work towards in the heat of the moment. I don't expect him to read my mind anymore.
My early ways of communicating were definitely influenced by the observation of my parents' methods of communication throughout my life, but I think it also had a lot to do with the fact that I was still enmeshed with my parents and I was subconsciously trying to destroy anything that was taking my attention away from my assigned role as their emotional caretaker and giver of narcissistic supply. I was so brainwashed that I believed that my life, needs, and desires didn't matter - that I didn't deserve a successful marriage and a life of my own.
During the last couple of years, I've listened to myself speak, and I, too, worry that I might come across as condescending and/or my tone might be coming off all wrong. I think it has to do with the fact that I numbed my own feelings for so long. I was given the message that I didn't have the right to feel or react as I would naturally. This brought me to the point of reacting in neutral ways and using an almost monotone voice - so as not to provoke a hostile reaction from my family of origin. I suspect that the monotone voice usually comes off as uncaring, which has the exact opposite effect that my subconscious thought it would.
Not sure if my experiences with all of this are helpful, but I just wanted to let you know that I can relate. Thanks for sharing your experiences - I love finding new blogs and learning something new!
Raven
Raven - Thanks for stopping by! I love to hear that you went through something similar as to what I am going through, and got to the other side. It goes a long way in making me feel optimistic.
ReplyDeleteMelissa