sponsor

I am not an open person. I barely know what I'm feeling myself; I tend to just stew in my emotions, not explain them out.  I don't like talking about the past, especially the not-so-happy parts of it.  I don't like the idea that somebody could know me better than I know myself; in fact, the implication would infuriate me. But, that's exactly how I was able to hide my alcoholism so well for so long: I didn't even realize that I had a problem, I just knew I didn't want my husband to know I was secretly gulping glasses of wine down when he wasn't looking.

For the health of my relationship, I have been working on these things. But I still don't like it. Especially with people I don't know and don't fully trust. When I tell you something, I want to know what you're going to think before I even say it.  There are a lot of people in my life who have called me perfect at one time or another. It is completely untrue, but I've worked damn hard to seem that way, and god forbid you see through it.  That's aprtly why I have always alluded therapy, though I've done enough crazy, stupid things in my life that it's warranted. Well, that, and I don't want someone else to get to the bottom of my problems before I do -- because I don't know that I want anybody to see where the bottom of my problems rests.

So, when I say that the idea of an AA sponsor makes me uncomfortable, put it in the context that I have to work to be open with myself, let alone anybody else, let alone a stranger. And if I'm just going to mask myself to them, is one even worth having?

I've been feeling pushed by my AA group to get a sponsor. I'm not ready for it yet. I want to know the person first. I want to have felt them out. But, should I abandon that comfort, knowing that it'll just be reason to avoid telling the full truth to them? Should I just bare it all, knowing that I'll never know this person in any other context than AA?