dry holidays

My grandmother and aunt have a gambling problem. My maternal grandfather, aunt and uncle are active alcoholics. My paternal grandfather was an alcoholic as well, though he quit drinking after a drinking-related incident nearly killed him.

I've always said that I think I have an addictive personality, though I never had hard evidence until my alcoholism took root. I never gambled -- I refuse to by lottery tickets and will never go to Las Vegas. I know that I wouldn't know how to stop once I got caught up in it all.

The longer I go without alcohol, the better I know that I am truly an alcoholic. A few months ago, my husband was out of town, and I went to the grocery store (which remains the most difficult place for me to keep the beast at bay). I put alcohol in my cart, fully intending on drinking it entirely that night and hiding the evidence. In a moment of clarity I realized that what I was about to do was the sirens of my addiction, and just left the cart in the middle of the store and high-tailed it out of there. I am not proud of this, except for the end result: I still have not drank since the day I gave it up about ten months ago.

I'd like to say that I have control over my addiction, that I am fully 'recovered', but I would just be kidding myself. I know they always say the addiction is always there, but I liked to think that I was different. That it was a phase for me, and once I got over it, I could be a responsible drinker.

That was the hardest part about putting down the drinks -- the idea that never again will I taste an oaky red or crisp white paired perfectly with a meal. Never is a very long time. Finally, AA taught me to stop focusing on forever, and just focus on today. I can get through today without drinking, that's easy. We'll worry about tomorrow when it gets here.

Yesterday, my husband and I went to a friend's house for a thanksgiving dinner. We haven't been out with a group of friends like this since my realization that I was an alcoholic, and we knew there would likely be alcohol there, wine -- my particular poison -- especially. And there was: a carafe of white and red sitting on the table, everybody but my husband and I partaking.

It wasn't as difficult as I thought it might be, but I did have fantasies of everybody being in another room and me escaping to the bathroom off of the kitchen with a bottle of wine. I found myself staring at an empty glass as wine was being poured into it. Luckily, it was cheap wine that I know doesn't taste good, so I was able to quiet the thoughts of, "It's just a little wine -- it tastes good, and it's Thanksgiving."  I was even able to take part in conversation without the presence of the wine completely enveloping my thoughts.

The holidays are difficult for an alcoholic, especially and introverted one with a messed-up family situation like me. But I made it through without any missteps-- my first holidays as a non-drinker.