catch up

I have been absent from this blog and reading your blogs for just about three weeks. I feel sorry that I haven't spoken to you, Reader, as I might feel sorry for not speaking with a good friend i an extended amount of time. I want to catch up with you.

I had an annual review at work a few weeks ago. I am paid well for a 20-something with a bachelor's degree, but I am underpaid for my particular degree, what I can do and for the work my company utilizes me for. Headhunters have been calling. I did salary research before my review and found that I should be making between Y and Z, and I am only making X. It came to about 15-30% above what I make. Let me be clear: I love my job. I love my colleagues. I love my boss. I know I'm lucky to have what I do when it comes to workplaces. And that's why I let it go for so long. I gave them time so that I can prove myself and really show I'm not a risk. I feel arrogant talking about this, but I have been working hard in my to give myself credit where it's due, and my work felt like such a prime example that I had to seize the opportunity. So, after my boss gave me a rave review, he asked me for comments. And I told him that I love my job, but I'm getting these calls, and no matter how much I love my job, I can't ignore that I could be making Y to Z for too long. The conversation ended with my boss telling me that they can't lose me, and that he was putting in for a promotion and a 22% raise for me.

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for quite some time. I have endocrinology issues and a history of ovarian cysts, and my husband had surgery when he was a young boy to ensure he would not become sterile due to his own medical issues. So, the fact that we have been trying to get pregnant and have not is not much of a surprise. But, I'm tired of not knowing why exactly -- is it me? is it him? Is it something fertility drugs could fix if we decided? So, I decided to see a new gynecologist while I live so close to a great hospital and finally get some answers. My appointment is on Friday of this week. I'm nervous as hell.

About a week after I made this appointment, I was helping his mother with something. While the two of us were alone, I said, "now moving on to happier news...." to which she said, "you're pregnant!"  I know my face gave me away. So I blurted out: we're not pregnant. But we want to be, have been trying, and are going to figure out why it's not working. This was not my place at all: my husband and I decided not to tell anybody until we know more just a few days before. But, because I got in the awkward situation, I really wanted her advice on it (she was a NICU nurse), it just came out like word vomit. Luckily my husband is very loving of this particular flaw of mine, and therefore quite forgiving of it. When the three of us had dinner that night, my husband teasingly said, "so I heard you and my wife had The Talk."

Two days later, his sister announced she was pregnant. Their marriage has been very unstable, they already have one child, and a year ago his sister made a big commotion out of the fact that she may never be able to have children again due to some scarring. And then 6 weeks of trying, and bam.  My husband and I had trouble feeling anything at all when they announced they were pregnant. I went numb when she said it, and had to feign happiness the entire evening. I cried in the backseat on the way home. That night, my husband and I went to our guest bedroom, held each other and just cried together in frustration. In anger. We wallowed in how it didn't seem fair at all -- here we are with this fantastic marriage and financial stability, and nothing.

It has been a week. Last night, Mike's sister rushed to the hospital with a possible miscarriage. They know that her body at least is acting as if it is pregnant, but it's too soon to tell if she is. I felt intense guilt, because in my heart of hearts, I didn't want her to be pregnant. I feel almost a responsibility, although I know, of course, I have none in the matter.