fight fair

As an engineer, it is quite literally my job to have a different point of view from those around me and to express it. At work, my colleagues and I can freely express disagreement, because it's not personal -- its for the common goal. Being a good engineer requires one to be aware that they do not know everything: because I have a background in X while my colleagues have a background in Y and Z, we all must point out issues and work off each others' strengths to find our best solution. I have to say, this is one of the aspects of my job I find most invigorating.

However, it does not translate to home for me. I had developed a habit of saying, “The problem with that is….” to my then-fiance (now husband) which I have come to understand sounds belittling outside the no-holds-barred engineering environment. At home, talking about where we might move to or wedding plans or any joint decision, I had to realize that we are coming at it from the same exact knowledge base. This tactic of disagreement works well professionally, but at home, it can come off as: “I know more than you and my feelings on the subject have more relevance.” Friends of mine that are also engineers report having similar issues with their disagreement tactics when applied to non-work situations.

The truth of the matter is this: I never learned how to fight fair with regard to personal matters. I’m known for retreating into myself when I get mad or stressed, often literally biting my tongue. I realize that if I don’t, I will say something nasty, completely unconstructive, hurt the other person, and wish I could take it back the second I say it. So, I try to wait until I cool down, to dig through the anger to get to the hurt, and that usually takes me a few days. After I cool down, I usually think I forgave and forgot, only to find out later that I haven't forgotten at all and that it has been simmering below the surface, causing me to have a disproportionate reaction about a later issue.

Another truth: my husband comes from a family of pacifists-to-a-fault. I love them to death, but they are full of passive-aggressive, enabling “peacemakers”, which is a stark contrast to my family's in-your-face disagreements. When my husband and I have an argument, even a calm and rational one, he gets sort of a post-fight hangover that takes the form of a dark cloud following him (eh em, us) around for a couple of days. He says it is because I always seem to have a problem with his behavior, he gets crapped on, and then he has to change his pattern and be mindful; but that I rarely have to do that for him. But, I notice that it is much more likely to happen if he’s already in sort of a funk, and perhaps he is unconsciously displacing his other anger on me because I just gave him a reason to.

I don't think I haven't ever been in a situation where I could learn to fight fairly. I certainty didn't learn it from my parents, I definitely didn't learn it from friends (Reader, I'm sure this is something we'll talk about down the road), and the way I have learned to disagree with people at work offers lessons that only apply to impersonal situations -- not everyday disagreements with my husband or other loved ones.  Year One of marriage is certainly providing its classes in Loving Disagreements, and I'm learning along the way, but it makes me wonder.....is this an effect of having an unhealthy childhood? Is this something everybody learns as they enter adulthood and the long-haul relationships that come with it? Is it a product of being an engineer? Or is this just an idiosyncrasy of my personality?