fight fair

As an engineer, it is quite literally my job to have a different point of view from those around me and to express it. At work, my colleagues and I can freely express disagreement, because it's not personal -- its for the common goal. Being a good engineer requires one to be aware that they do not know everything: because I have a background in X while my colleagues have a background in Y and Z, we all must point out issues and work off each others' strengths to find our best solution. I have to say, this is one of the aspects of my job I find most invigorating.

However, it does not translate to home for me. I had developed a habit of saying, “The problem with that is….” to my then-fiance (now husband) which I have come to understand sounds belittling outside the no-holds-barred engineering environment. At home, talking about where we might move to or wedding plans or any joint decision, I had to realize that we are coming at it from the same exact knowledge base. This tactic of disagreement works well professionally, but at home, it can come off as: “I know more than you and my feelings on the subject have more relevance.” Friends of mine that are also engineers report having similar issues with their disagreement tactics when applied to non-work situations.

The truth of the matter is this: I never learned how to fight fair with regard to personal matters. I’m known for retreating into myself when I get mad or stressed, often literally biting my tongue. I realize that if I don’t, I will say something nasty, completely unconstructive, hurt the other person, and wish I could take it back the second I say it. So, I try to wait until I cool down, to dig through the anger to get to the hurt, and that usually takes me a few days. After I cool down, I usually think I forgave and forgot, only to find out later that I haven't forgotten at all and that it has been simmering below the surface, causing me to have a disproportionate reaction about a later issue.

Another truth: my husband comes from a family of pacifists-to-a-fault. I love them to death, but they are full of passive-aggressive, enabling “peacemakers”, which is a stark contrast to my family's in-your-face disagreements. When my husband and I have an argument, even a calm and rational one, he gets sort of a post-fight hangover that takes the form of a dark cloud following him (eh em, us) around for a couple of days. He says it is because I always seem to have a problem with his behavior, he gets crapped on, and then he has to change his pattern and be mindful; but that I rarely have to do that for him. But, I notice that it is much more likely to happen if he’s already in sort of a funk, and perhaps he is unconsciously displacing his other anger on me because I just gave him a reason to.

I don't think I haven't ever been in a situation where I could learn to fight fairly. I certainty didn't learn it from my parents, I definitely didn't learn it from friends (Reader, I'm sure this is something we'll talk about down the road), and the way I have learned to disagree with people at work offers lessons that only apply to impersonal situations -- not everyday disagreements with my husband or other loved ones.  Year One of marriage is certainly providing its classes in Loving Disagreements, and I'm learning along the way, but it makes me wonder.....is this an effect of having an unhealthy childhood? Is this something everybody learns as they enter adulthood and the long-haul relationships that come with it? Is it a product of being an engineer? Or is this just an idiosyncrasy of my personality?

to my close friends and family, a confession

Dear Friends and Family,

Let me get to the point, before I scare anyone: I have an inappropriate relationship with alcohol, and if I wasn't already an alcoholic, I was well on my way. A few of you will not be shocked at all. Many of you may be rocked to the core, and for that, please forgive me for telling you in such an impersonal way. Realize that I chose to tell you this way for fear I might not tell you at all otherwise, so that I might continue this inappropriate relationship with alcohol without you being the wiser.

I want to tell you that this is not a reason to be sad for me, though you may be as astounded as I am that this has become a part of my life. Alcoholism is rampant in my family tree, and so don't think that my problems with it are a sign of unhappiness. In fact, it is my happiness and levelheadedness, as well as my recent decision to head my anxiety issues head-on, that has allowed me to make the decision to remove alcohol from my life permanently. Be happy that I will never again find myself feeling ill after indulging my addiction.  Be happy that my realization comes now in this good time in my life, before it has affected my job, marriage, or finances. Be happy that I have come to realize that there shouldn't be shame in having a problem with alcohol, though there is shame in indulging it.

I also want you to know that if you didn't see it in me, it wasn't your fault -- I strove to hide it. A very good friend of mine once said one of the most true things about me: that I am great at seeming as if I am open person, while in fact, it is such a core reaction for me to keep quiet about my real emotions or perceived imperfections that I never think to share them even with those closest to me. The bulk of my problem-drinking was while I nobody was around, in a perceived attempt to relax, though it often ended in anything but a relaxed state. What you might've seen is that I could and did go days or weeks without alcohol. But what you never could see is that alcohol enters my mind at inappropriate times -- such as in stressful meetings or while grocery shopping. What you couldn't see is that after a single sip of alcohol, I have a physical impulse that tells me that no amount of alcohol will be enough. Most people could easily accept the idea of never drinking again without a second thought; it gives me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. So, it's time to leave it behind.

I finally admitted my problem with alcohol to myself this past week, and told Mike the first day we were in person after that. On that first night, we dumped out our Anniversary Champagne together. The morning after, though I told him he didn't have to, I walked in on him opening and emptying every one of the beers in his collection.

I want you feel free to ask me any questions -- I did not send this in a email to avoid talking a discussion, but to ensure that I tell everybody that should know. In fact, talking about it will help me, since hiding my problem has been such a big part of my life for so long.  Feel free to talk amongst yourselves about it, as well, but I would appreciate if you would do so only out of respect and love. Know that the only thing I'm asking of you is your support of keeping alcohol out of my own body. Also, please don't see this as an indication that you  need to tiptoe around me: I'm lucky enough that, even though I have this problem, none of my relationships are founded in alcohol.

I have been sober for 5 days. I plan to stay sober for the rest of my life.

Thanks for all of your love and understanding,
Melissa